that cycle of mistakes.

Question;

'kenapa harus kita ditemukan,

walau akhirnya meresahkan, 

apakah aku satu persinggahan, 

mengubat rindu?'

(blackrose, Penantian)

Answer: 

'it doesn't matter what you feel, what matters is black and white.'

(The Adjustment Bureau, 2011)

maaf saya sudah tidak menulis lama. exam yang melanda membuat saya agak terlontar jauh dari perasaan yang membelenggu. buat saya tinggalkan sebentar perasaan saya di belakang sementara cita-cita saya di depan, saya kejar. namun, ada juga saat perasaan saya menang, buat saya tersilap langkah dan menempa malu beberapa minggu lepas. some knew about this. dan perbincangan saya memujuk seorang rakan, membawa saya ke isu ini.

pertanyaan di atas, yang selalu sahaja terlintas, kalau tak banyak, mungkin sekali dalam hidup. kenapa perlu kita ditemukan dengan orang yang kelak kita tahu akan mengecewakan? but ironically, even knowing this fact earlier doesn't prevent us from getting hurt either.

somebody out there, sure will identify with me with these kind of situation. 

bermula dari saat kita beranikan diri untuk put ourself out there, terdedah dan naked with our feelings, maka pada saat itulah kita makin jatuh dan jatuh. a vicious cycle. a vicious never ending cycle. 

here's a few mistakes that we keep on doing, that put us in that vicious cycle.and put us in a very heartbroken state, literally.

we enter relationships after relationships, selepas satu satu, dengan harapan the next guy can bring ourself to that place call LOVE. kita sayang separuh mati, kita serah jiwa raga, kita gadai separuh nyawa, untuk si dia senyum ke kita and say those three magic words.
and then the world tumbled down, he left, dan kita, tergapai-gapai mencari serpihan hati kita yang masih ada, setelah hati kita serah ke dia. 

so that is the first mistake, to give 100% of our heart and soul to a stranger.

and we met another guy, thinking and hoping that maybe this guy could be it, dan juga dengan harapan si dia yang baru ini dapat tarik kita jauh dari yang melukakan dulu. kita pun cuba buat yang terbaik kali ini, kita jaga bagai menatang minyak yang penuh. dan kita yakinkan diri yang kita bahagia. even though we know deep in our heart he is NOT the one, we tried to resist that nagging feeling by pretending he IS the one. we pray that this one is going to work, but not because of love, but due to fears that he, like the other guy, will leave us as well. dan again, kita cuba yakinkan diri yang itu tak, tak mungkin terjadi. 


and that is our second mistake. afraid to let go not because we care, but because we don't want to be walked out on.

and like we thought he would,no surprise there, he left. 

so we started to blame ourself over and over again, thinking that maybe, maybe something must be wrong with us, not them. or else why would we keep getting our heart broken and walked out from?saat ini keyakinan kita ke diri, kepercayaan kita ke lelaki dan ketaksuban kita ke cinta mula goyah seperti ombak. oh how we swear to ourself, never ever to trust our heart again, dan tak mahu lagi jebakkan diri, mungkin sampai menopause. 


that is the third mistake. to put the blame on us and swear not to love again.

a week/month later, we find ourself falling for another guy, and the cycle starts again. and that, ladies and gentleman, is the final mistake. to put ourself out there without any defence.

saya ingin  bertanyakan soalan ini pada diri, and i encourage you guys to do the same, kerana saya yakin, this question is fundamental to explain all of the above mistakes, plus some heartbreak.

WHY DO WE FEEL THE CONSTANT NEED TO BE OUT THERE
 SEARCHING FOR HIM?

adakah kerana kita belum cukup selesa being on our own that we need someone, anyone to be with us so that we won't be alone?

adakah kerana kita sudah terlalu biasa being in a relationship, that when we are alone, we feel abnormal?

adakah kerana kita tengok semua orang sudah settle down kahwin beranak pinak buat kita rasa love is a race, and we have to compete to get there?

adakah kita sudah betul betul punya masa untuk recover dari the previous heart break untuk kembali menggadai raga?

i know it's hard to not to make the four mistakes i mentioned above. bila hati dah suka, bila mata dah nampak bayang si dia mana-mana, persetankan cinta yang lepas kan?but it is crucial for you to realize these mistakes, and then to ponder upon these as well.

FIGURE OUT WHY YOU WANT AND NEED A RELATIONSHIP,

AND WHETHER YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IT AT THE RIGHT PLACE. 

what i'm trying to say is, kita semua belum terlalu pasti apa yang kita mahu out of a relationship. 

dan kita selalu terlalu percaya dengan hati dan hormones to guide us towards him. dan kerana itu kita selalu tersilap langkah dalam memilih dan kecundang.

love is a battlefield. if you feel that you don't have enough weapon and protection to put yourself out there, then don't. wait. what is there to rush? everything is written down already, so use the time to get to know yourself better as a person. give yourself a break.ask yourself all of these questions yang saya pekatkan di atas sebelum kamu melangkah ke relationship seterusnya.


dan bila kau rasa kau sudah cukup kuat dan cukup sedia untuk vicious cycle di atas, barulah kau masukkan kunci kereta, tarik gear dan pecut laju. kita tak boleh selamanya avoid cycle itu. it happens. shit happens. try to ponder upon this question;

 Q: if i can feel it in my heart, that something is a mistake, why do i have to go and do it anyway? 

A: There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make that mistake and look back and say, 'yup, that was a mistake'. 

so really, the bigger mistake would be not to make the mistake because then you'll go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not.

-Lily in HIMYM-

heart will get broken. people will walk away. wrong guys tend to come and go. the guys who we think is right doesn't stay long enough. so be it. life is about taking chances. 
a very ironic advice, but as a friend of mine said, it doesn't mean that if we didn't meet the right guy yet, we couldn't have fun with all the wrong guys. 
and it doesn't mean that by having fun with the wrong guys, all of them will be the wrong ones. one of them might just pop out his head and happen to be, him.:)


I have my fair share of tears and disappointments, but i still did enjoyed all the flowers, treats, gifts, birthday presents (i used to lie about my birthday date all the time.i can have up to 3 birthdays in a month!), and admiration very much.
and i manage to found my Mr Right by luck, among a bunch of the wrong ones.

*bouquet collections, during my teenage years.*

things will come your way, when it's written that way.
for the meantime, don't be too hard on yourself. when you are ready for life, life will be ready for you. 

p/s: people who say, 'alah, lelaki dia tinggal/curang dengan dia pasal dia yang tak pandai jaga laki dia.' disgusted me. easy for you to say, when you aren't the victim. put yourself in the same position, you will not feel that great as when you used it to make fun of other people.