Tuesday, March 02, 2010

saya tidak nafikan, saya rindu dia.

tadi, a cousin of mine post di wall, 
'dr love, i miss my ex damn much.macam mana ni eh?could you help me??'

ini jujur, apa yang saya selalu buat. memang nasihat dari buku, dan siapa-siapa saja yang saya tahu, mesti akan cakap, 'just ignore those feelings.it will go.eventually.'

tapi, sebagai seorang yang punya hati dan perasaan, sebagai seorang yang rather follow my heart than follow my head, sebagai seorang yang hopeless romantic, susah.



if i miss somebody damn much, selalunya the first thing yang saya buat, is MENANGIS. saya bukanlah seorang yang berat mengeluarkan air mata. 

'the cure for anything is salt-sweat,salt and tears.' (dipetik dari blog wani ardy.)

dan betul saya cakap,tidak kira kamu lelaki atau perempuan, kalau kamu menangis, rasa sedikit lega.you are letting all the frustration out. kadang2 pernah sampai neurotic sampai meraung tersedu2.

tidak cukup dengan itu, saya tambah dengan merenung gambar2 dan memori lama. digital,gambar keping,mesej2 lama,hadiah dari si dia,coretan2 lama.and i talked to these pictures, saya cakap saya rindu, dan saya tidak tahu bagaimana nak survive tanpa kamu, and i just miss you so damn much, please come back to me.

*and this is why saya pernah kata dulu, saya TIDAK pernah membuang barang2 dari kisah2 lama dahulu.i want to have something to remind me of what used to happen,once.

kemudian diiringi dengan muzik2 sedih seperti lagu 'Aku dan Dirimu' by ari lasso & BCL atau apa2 lagu yang pernah kami kaitkan dengan kisah kami. i played it over and over again, buat rindu lagi membara.buat air mata lagi mengalir laju.

dan kerana saya ini, rajin menulis diari, diari2 lama saya punggah, sambil jari laju membelek muka surat yang ada nama dia, minda saya seksa dengan kata2 'what if,what if...' 
ya, ini memang tahap rindu maut.

until i got so damn exhausted, until i got so frustrated up to a point where i realized that,

yang realitinya,masa kami bersama sudah lepas. i will never get the chance untuk putar masa semula. yang saya tidak akan ada peluang untuk menukar semua salah silap saya.

yang he's not coming back.ever.

pullstop.di situ saya berhenti merindu.and i move on.

somebody who is special to me once, said,
The denial can last forever if you want, but the truth will linger, until the denial is over

Kalau saya ignore apa saya rasa, dan pretend that i am fine, dan saya pendam perasaan itu dalam2, makin lama makin dalam dan makin sebati dalam badan, saya tidak rasa saya akan dapat buang perasaan iu, unless saya amnesia. coz deep down, no matter how good i hide it, the truth is, perasaan itu masih ada.


kalau saya mengaku pada diri,yang saya rindu,yang i'm vulnerable to this feelings, dan saya let it all out on the surface, saya akan sedar yang walaupun sekuat tinggi agung manapun saya rindu,there is no use to hold on to these feelings. dan the sooner i stop denying, the sooner i got over and get rid of these feelings.

admitting what makes you fall is a step to bring yourself up.

it always works for me.
itu sayalah.anda,saya tidak tahu.




ini salah satu lagu yang buat saya tercampak jauh ke memori dulu.
i just like the GLEE version better.and the kiss between emma and will is just, romantic.:)



There is pleasure in calm remembrance of a past sorrow. — Cicero (106-43 BC)



9 comments:

Asrih Arif said...

pengsan

Anonymous said...

hi azyan.
u used to my dr love, once.
and now, i feel like to share with you again.
nice entry. i love it! :)
it really suits me. yes, i do miss my ex too.
i'm missing him badly.eventhough, he isnt.
its hard, bile kite tau, org yg sgt baek tnglkan kite kan.
ktrg da 6 months broke up.
but the truth is, i still love him.
hes such a nice guy.
i dont know what to do. tp now i x nanges2 da. hope to share this story more with you, azyan.
i need some advice. :)

azyan liyana said...

asrih:kenapa pengsan????

anonymous: hehe.r u d one yg msg me kat fb?thanks.:) yeah its hard to know that people we once love has move on.i dont blame you for still loving him.its only natural.i took 2 years to get over my first love.

but hey,i promise you,you'll get over him.maybe not now,maybe not tomorrow, but u will,one day.take your time to heal slowly.nobody expects you to recover in seconds.da fact dat u stop crying over it is a good sign.da truth will sink in slowly.
dont hesitate to msg me at fb if you need any words of advice,kay?
*hugs*

ihsan said...

thanx to my cousin AZYAN LIYAN cz tulis blog ni base on my wall.. hikshikshiks.. mcm terharu pom ada.. after ihsan bc tu, almost 100% btol.. tmsk la dgr lagu AKU&DIA tu.. hahah.. mmg klu dgr lagu tu, ill miz her so much & sbb tu gaks la x suka dgr lagu tu skang ni.. :)
Nanges? "saya bukanlah seorang yang berat mengeluarkan air mata" mmg btol.. mcm nk nanges je bc blog ni..

n wat i got after i read it:
-just ignore those feelings.it will go.eventually
-she's not coming back.ever
-The denial can last forever if you want, but the truth will linger, until the denial is over..

hope dpt motivate ihsan after ni..

thanx byk2 cousin..
u r best cousin ever.. hehehe..

listenwithyourwoleheart said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

thanks for keep remebering me dear.
i'll do text you later.
thanks zee! hehee.:) *hugs*

azyan liyana said...

ihsan:hehe.ur post kinda inspiring kot?haha..but hope it helps with the pain. the longer you left the wound untreated, the worse its going to be.take care of it now, and it will healed one day.

listeningwithyourheart:aik?knape delete post?

anon:im going to reply to ur message this weekend okay?meanwhile,hang on there.:)

onenye said...

salam..
waa..sgt suka dis entry...menusuk ke
dalam kalbu
and i totally agree wif u once again..
and the word "admitting what makes you fall is a step to bring yourself up"...yes..it is true
dun afraid to see the ugly of u since dat's the best way to see the better you..right?
watever it is..caiyokk wif ur study and life...hehe..

azyan liyana said...

onenye:hehe thank you.well,i just reka je actually sentence tu,tbe2 kena plak dgn wut im trying to say.

well,u r in control of ur own emotion, and dont ever get emotion to get control of you.itu penting.!:)